


Clouded Mirror

by IronyPistol



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Fluff, Multi, Slow Build, Starbucks, heterochromatic Eren, why cant i find an erejean tag, yes im jumping onto the bandwagon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-27
Updated: 2014-04-27
Packaged: 2018-01-21 01:07:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1531937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IronyPistol/pseuds/IronyPistol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We’ve all had trouble seeing ourselves the way others do. You’re either arrogant or self loathing. Really, what are we? What is the right judgment of character. Others don’t know the real you, but you have your own predetermined image when you look into yourself, denying anything that doesn’t fit. It makes you fake. It’s like looking into a mirror but you can’t see anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue - These Ten Years

**Author's Note:**

> I saw the Heterochomatic Eren prompt and I had to write a one shot . . . but then that became a multi chapter fluff and then a large plot with angst. Uhh, yeah. Lets see how far I can get with this.

“I’m sorry, Jean, but Eren is sick today,” Those were the last words I ever heard from Eren’s mother. It would be ten years until I returned to this house. Ten years of pain and loneliness, but it was only fitting. I clung to people desperately at the time, never letting go. These ten years were a necessary lesson. These ten years taught me that I can’t restrain people from being themselves as I once did so long ago. I killed a friend and spawned an enemy through my naive actions. I didn’t look out for him, and I deserved to be punished.

But, I didn’t know at the time. I just thought he was sick. I didn’t realize Eren had been sick for three weeks. He missed the last week of school when Miss Petra had been throwing a party. Those were the days Principal Ackerman told us to keep our celebrations quiet and clean. He’d made me clean up alone after spilling juice on the carpet. All I could think about is how Eren was missing out or how he could have assisted me. Eren was absent, and that’s all I knew. I wasn’t counting the days that became weeks, then months, and then years. Well, I was actually, but I didn’t like to think about how large the number was getting, until I shut it out completely.

But now, I can’t deny it any longer. I caused him to be scared. We’ve been through shit, but I can’t tell him no. I can’t tell him he can hide if he wants to. I can’t tell him he doesn’t have to tell me. Because I know Eren Jaeger, and what he keeps to himself is going to kill him one day. He’s a suicidal idiot that does the dumbest things for stupid people. I guess that’s me included.

But . . . Hmm . . . Eren? If you’re reading this, I guess it’s my apology. But I’m not really good with words. I know how to say things, just . . . not in this circumstance. I’m sorry that I had to put you through those ten years. I know you prefer to view them as the days leading up to now but everyone knows you weren’t happy. And no matter how many times I say this it won’t be enough. I’m sorry.

 


	2. Blank Stares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It starts out like another coffee shop AU. I wish.

Walking. It was pretty mundane but that’s really how the beginning came to a conclusion..

I just wanted my goddamned morning coffee before I was required to help my mom paint the living room periwinkle. Honestly, I wish it were Monday so I had the excuse to need to be at my hellish job. I was just a waiter, but it had a good pay if you could keep up with the unforgiving pace and demanding customers. So walking to Starbucks was a nice contrast to what I had to deal with during the lunch rush.

The city was so lulled by the lazy summer breeze. Everything seemed calmer and more relaxed than usual. Trost was pretty large but it was just another city to many. No tourists, no attractions, not extreme in any way but always busy none the less.

As I was entering the threshold of the store which was surprisingly empty for nine, I heard a customer shyly squeak “It’s actually spelled with a ‘K’ not a ‘Ch’” As sudden voice shouted “Who cares how it’s spelled! It’s just a piece of cardboard, not your birth certificate!” Well, that escalated quickly. I really hoped I didn’t have to deal with whoever that was since my name was constantly being spelled as “John.” Unfortunately, I didn’t see other servers in the store.

I took my place behind the customer as I pulled out my phone to check the time. 9:14. Wow, I stalled for exactly 17 minutes. I was hoping to kill at least an hour before having to return.

The customer in front of me, who was considerably shorter than me, was trembling a bit. It was obvious she was either not used to being yelled at or was yelled at a considerable amount. That was the time a woman sitting at a corner table, stood up and strided to the counter. Although I felt tall next to the small one, I felt pretty dwarfed compared to this girl. She had freckles spotting her face sporadically like Marco about the same hair colour, too, but a shade or two lighter.

“Listen up, you self concerning idiot!” Okay . . . Similarities to Marco ended at appearance. “ Krista wants her name written correctly. So how would you feel if you were called . . .” She squinted at the server’s name tag. “Erin?! For the godsake are you really so bad of an employee you would deny a customer a simple request?” She placed her hand on, I’m guessing Krista’s shoulder. And they left like that without the coffee. The blonde still trembling but glancing back to see

I took a step towards the counter, still distracted by checking random apps on my phone, before saying “You didn’t have to be an assho-” That was the moment, I looked up from my phone and saw the angered face of Eren Jaeger. It was like he hadn’t changed at all since elementary school. I could take an old picture of him and he would still have the same expression and everything. ”Nevermind, you are an asshole.”

“Well, look what we have here. Kirschstein wants his coffee. He better expect spit in it.”

“Your resentful spirit is as strong as ever.”

“Fuck you.”

“Eren!” A figure revealed itself from a back door. Sasha, I vaguely remembered used to be the sous chef where I worked, but got caught consuming large amounts of the food. Light tasting she called it. Pretty amusing. But right now she was not amused. “I thought I told you there was to be no cursing to the customers! No matter what petty grudge you hold against them. This is your warning, got it! I’ll deal with the customers, you just lean out the coffee machine and do the restocking.”

“Yes ma'am.” His voice low and still irritated as he turned away to walk to the back door.

“Sorry, Jean.” Sasha apologized after returning her gaze from Eren to me. She spoke as if she just saw me yesterday, with familiarity clicking into place once again as if we had never been apart. “What did you say you wanted?”

“One caramel macchiato,” I ordered. She might be my ticket to at least an hour of stalling.

With that she started mixing the coffee and ingredients with lightning speed. Although she was a bit unconventional in her methods, Sasha produce the most wonderfully crafted meals.

She just the habit of eating everything first, so tasting her cooking was a privilege. She was pretty interesting if you could get her talking about something other than food. She was a pretty cool person, I guess. I just didn’t really bother talking to her. She was always the one to strike up a conversation, or invite a friend over to dinner, if you would calling inviting, more like harsh insisting, or showing a newbie how to prepare a meal. She was like a mom, always so comfortable with everyone. Not to say she was naive. Sasha had a good head on her shoulders but she was too approachable and always had a small crowd of friends. Maybe I could have dealt with her if she was just one person. Not one plus three idiots.

So, I never spoke to her much, and she respected that. But now, we were alone, well, except Jaeger over in the store room, who I wish would stay there for an eternity as I actually try to have a successful social interaction. Looking back on this now, maybe this all started because I wanted to show off to Eren that I could live on without him but I didn’t dare think that at the time.

By the time Sasha was finished making my coffee and scribbling a “JEAN” onto the side in a fancy script that was pretty difficult to read, the idiot employee comes out of the back room with two small boxes in his hands with ever glaring eyes boring into me although he keeps silent. Noticing no one else has bothered to enter, Sasha begins conversing with me about trivial little facts about what I was doing in the past three months. Some questions I was happy to answer because Jaeger had to listen to me brag about my life. Yes, I had been finally given a bonus for my work. No, I hadn’t been in any serious fights. Yes, I got accepted to Trost U. I realized I was acting slightly ostentatious, but that didn’t matter. Others I was a bit more reluctant than not to answer. I dodged questions like if I had started dating anyone, or what was I going to major in. The entire time I could feel Jaeger looking at me. Although it was just us three in here, it felt like I was telling my life story to all of America because of the little asshole near the corner.

I removed my phone from my pocket once more and realized I spent much longer here than I anticipated. I checked my texts and came to the conclusion that it was really time to leave. It was only just past eleven, my mom was on the clingier side. Maybe thats where I got it from.

“Shit,” I quietly hissed as I read the perfectionist quality texts.

**From Mom:**

**Jean, you’re never home.**

**From Mom:**

**Please come back now.**

**From Mom:**

**Do you really hate your mother enough that you’re going to avoid me the entire day?**

“I something up?” Sasha questioned.

“I just gotta get home or else my mom is going to kill me,” I complained. just as I hit send on a confirmation text that I’d be home in ten.

“Ah, well, good luck surviving, man.” Sasha’s farewells were never just a goodbye. She always had to end it in some quip to tie whatever conversation she was having in a good mood.

And then I was gone. During all of the walk home, scolding, and painting of the room which then my mom decided that she didn’t like the colour of, I could only think back to my conversation with Sasha and how I really didn’t feel like I was talking to Sasha. I was bragging to Eren and Sasha was just a vessel provide questions so I could have an excuse to talk about myself. So much for a successful social interaction. I shaked it out of my head. Oh no. Eren Jaeger was not going to ruin my life again. I refused to let myself try again with this guy. He was unsolvable, and I was not going to waste any more of my time on him. He left me in the dust and I wasn’t going to to try to give him any of thought. He was an asshole and he knew it. Really, he ends our friendship and I get blamed for it. I don’t get the guy and- What did I just decide. No Jaeger.

Though, despite my efforts, Eren wormed his way back into my head time after time. So much so, that I had arrived back at the coffee shop the next morning without even realizing what I was doing until I got there. I would have blamed it on my need for coffee in the morning but I already had two cups at my apartment.

I wasn't really in the mood for more coffee. I already had an ample amount at home. Still, I stuck around, maybe hoping to see Sasha but instead some bald kid was running the counter who simply stated Sunday was Sasha’s day off. Without ordering anything, I sat in the corner where the freckled woman sat yesterday for maybe an hour. In basic, I had no where better to be. The smell of fresh coffee was kind of comforting despite the busy atmosphere which was quite different from yesterday’s sluggish morning. I wondered why I was even here but I still didn’t leave. One hour became two and then three and then suddenly it was four in the afternoon. The rush slowed down a considerable amount since I last took in my surroundings. The feeling was as if I was there but my mind was vividly reliving something else. I knew where I was but as soon as I thought about it, the other memories fled as if criminals caught in a searchlight. Grounded to this place once again, I stood up and left. The aroma of coffee had dissipated from my nostrils and I felt self aware as I had been sitting here for four hours.

Yet, I came back the next day, repeating my behaviours of the previous visit. Spacing out to then leave again, although I shortened my visit to an hour. And the next day was no different except I couldn’t stay long before I had to depart for work. The more the days dragged on, the less and less I knew why I was coming. I didn’t pay attention to the staff, like I inferred before, although Sasha was aware of my presence and took note of how long I was sitting in the corner but only bothered to inform me on Friday. She called the corner table my new permanent seating and refused to let me sit elsewhere lest I be physically moved from wherever I was. Soon, this became routine and I didn’t bother to speak to anyone after Sasha’s notification. I just sat but I couldn't help get an uncomfortable feeling when I entered which disappeared when my mind wandered.

It was only on Tuesday of the next week that I could feel a pair of eyes on me.  That was the uncomfortable feeling I guessed. Slowly, I craned my neck to see Eren Jaeger just staring. That’s all. No angry look on his face, just a blank expression that, if anything, was sad. He probably didn’t even notice I was looking back. I returned my focus back to myself, but I couldn’t engage that senseless, numb feeling with Eren’s eyes locked onto me. Feeling awkward, I exited. The memory of Eren’s saddened eyes fresh in my mind.

I was hesitant to return the following day, but I once again found myself walking inside the door. Feeling Eren’s eyes on me again, I promptly left, only to find Eren trailing behind me, looking ahead with a sad expression, hanging his head, and going back inside.

 

* * *

“You want me to help?” I asked incredulously. It was one week later when Eren actually approached me.

“Well, I have to admit, you weren’t exactly my first choice, either,” Eren explained. “I need to finish moving out today, and Mikasa returned to Japan for summer and Armin has entrance exams, not like he’d be much help anyway. Everyone else thinks I’m making a dumb decision, and refused to help. I knew your sadistic tendencies toward me in specific would love to see me fail.”

Although that was true, I wasn’t willing to go through all that physical labor for slow results. It wasn’t worth my time. I simply looked at him with a bored expression that probably read “really?”

“I would even pay you,” Well, that was new. It was nice to have Jaeger begging for my time for once. Let’s test how desperate he is.

“We can negotiate.”

In the end, we determined the price would be fifteen dollars an hour and the cost of on the job beverages and I planned to take my sweet time with this job. Dealing with Jaeger was a downside but I could deal with it if he was going to fork over all his pocket money.

Eren lived with his parents in the suburbs up until last month where his mother was killed in a hit and run. After her death, he felt like he needed to distance himself despite all his friends’ advice and warnings. Eren, who could barely hold down a job at Starbucks was nothing into a low key apartment downtown. Well, low key was an overstatement. We passed by it in our way to his house. In reality, it was a small flat that barely qualified as living quarters. The paint, I could say it was chipped, but was more absent, probably worn away a long time ago. The windows were tangled with cobwebs and was dirty as hell.

I held my tongue.

We finally pulled up to Eren’s driveway. Suddenly a giant torrent of mixed emotions washed over me. Excitement and nostalgia weren’t feelings I get regularly, but stress and regret were. The house hadn’t changed much over the years, same flowers, magnolias, same  windows, same welcome mat. I almost felt like I was a little kid again hoping that Eren wasn’t sick. That went on for all summer. I stood outside the house I was oh so eager to enter only to be repeatedly denied access until people stopped answering at all. When I imagined returning to this house which was once a home, it was in very different circumstances that the one I was currently living.

It was understandable why Eren’s friends thought he was making a mistake. Why would Eren want to leave the suburbs for raggedy apartment in the city where he actually had to pay rent. Eren’s arrangement was pretty nice compared to my slightly more upscale accommodations than Eren’s. That is to say, average. Vibrant flowers planted in the garden, a spacious house with many windows. Yet, the household held an obvious cloud on unease causing the most unnoticable shift in the seemingly joyous neighborhood. It was almost as if there was that one colour in your pallet that changed the mood completely but this was the only house that lacked it. Barely noticeable, but the effects were very obvious.

When  he finally managed to locate his keys and unlock the door, he slammed it with frustration as soon as we entered but continued as if it were nothing. Unfortunately, we had to walk through the kitchen to arrive at Eren’s room. His father perched himself on a stool next to the island with a blank look in eyes as he stared upon a glass in his hands. When he looked up, his expression hadn’t changed. Even just sneered as if disgusted with his father’s reasonable reaction. From what I could tell, his drink wasn’t even alcoholic. What was wrong with him?

Eren just continued to trudge towards his living quarters as i followed in silence.

I hadn’t been inside Eren’s room in so long. We used to be friends and had “overnight stays” because we thought sleepovers were girly back then. Then the idiot decided to ditch me out of nowhere for Mikasa, a girl from Japan staying here during the school year with her aunt, and Armin, a new student from Xiganshina, and if I had tried to get close to any of them, Eren would just start a fight or tell me off for being mean. I gave up trying after fourth grade started. I mean sure, he’ll let Marco be friends with him, but when it comes to me. I mean are you serious Jaeger? I was so glad we went to different middle schools. I won’t even start on the time-

Um, anyway. Eren’s room barely changed from when I first saw it in the 90s, give or take a few Power Rangers posters.  Trinkets from elementary school still scattered all through the room. Video Games in a small box still the only thing that could be considered clean in the place. The photographs of us as kids still hung upon his wall despite not so recent events. The only thing missing was his bed which was presumably already transported to his apartment.

“You barely changed in here, man,” I say aloud.

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” was all he replied.

“Then why don’t you fix this situation.”

“Just work already Kirschstein,” Eren lashed. He inhaled deeply in an attempt to calm himself down. Still irritated but more controlled, he continued. “Help pick up some papers and throw them in that box over there.” He pointed at the box messily labeled “Papers” . “You can throw away any photos of us. I’m getting us some iced tea. Be back in ten.” He almost walked out before adding “Don’t touch anything else.” And with that he departed for the beverages. Then I was left to my own devices.

I took my time starting off the task I had been assigned. Quickly, my boredom grew. I really didn’t know what I was expecting. Diary entries? Not really. Secret codes. Far fetched. Instead, when I momentarily stopped to scan over a paper, I had merely unearthed, surprise, biology notes, a shopping list, or a copy of a complex medical record. I lazily tossed the papers into the box as instructed despite the lack of importance. Eren can organize his own damn junk.

It was only when I reached the photos the job became rather . . . interesting. I began with the pictures of Eren and I. With the way out “friendship” was going at the moment, I shouldn’t have a single thought about whether or not these should be tossed, but I faltered. Why did Eren bother keeping these without even defacing them for a decade. He was the one who left me waiting outside his door everyday. Yet, there was two pictures hanging above his desk.

I viewed them with great interest, taking the time to recall the moment each depicted. The first was taken in 2001. I think we were six at the time. It was just after Eren stopped wearing those dumb shades everywhere. The picture was taken on my birthday at the carnival. I was smiling happily, unknowing of the nightmare to soon begin. I would be scared shitless on my own birthday by those horrific clowns and cling to Eren like a baby.

The second revived a memory of a less carefree time. Our parents insisted that we take a picture near the end of the school year as we did annually even though they expected us to see each other over the break. We posed for our crying mothers that thought we were growing up too fast. But, that was the week where our friendship fell to shambles and Eren became an asshole. Even now I could still feel the discomfort in our smiles, the strain in ours, the plain look on our faces screaming to escape proximity of each other.

Instead, I turn from the trash can and place them in the box and attempted to forget.

I don’t know how long I was standing there, probably only a few seconds but it felt as if an eternity had passed in no time at all. Slowly, I pulled myself away from the memories and directed my attention towards the closet.

As I expected, when I opened the closet, there were no clothes to be found.The only thing taking up space was a container labeled “DonT ForgeT” Really, Jaeger, if you didn’t want to forget it, then put it in a more obvious spot, dumbass. Although it would have been easier to just pick up the entire box and transport it to the other, I was tempted by my curiosity to not go through it’s contents.

When I opened the box, I was surprised to find our third grade yearbook when we still were in Miss Petra’s class and one of those large photos. But assuming this was Eren’s third grade picture, all of his school pictures were hanging up in the living room. At first, I didn’t notice anything, but . . .

The eyes. Eren’s eyes were a shining aquamarine, if I could recall correctly. Instead I was presented with a distressed Eren and his pair . . . A pair wasn’t the most accurate term. Eren’s left eye was a deep ocean blue and the right was a golden, honey-like colour. They were similar to a wave crashing down upon a beach in the summer sunset. The detail wasn’t as significant as I first made it out to be, but that happened to be the end of the beginning right then and there. But at the moment, it was plainly a trivial fact in the back of my mind. Now, I’m worried, because if I hadn’t discovered that picture, where would we be now. So much of who we are today was depending on that picture. But back then, I didn’t bother investigating it any further.

Oddly enough, those were the only things stored within the container, and this box was the size of two 360s. A waste of a box, if you asked me. It became apparent that I probably wasn’t supposed to see this when my fingers wiped away a layer of dust.

Quickly, I brushed away the coating on my shirt, before returning it to the back of the closet once again right before Eren returned, beverages in hand. A muffled thud sounded as the door swung open.

“I picked up raspberry iced tea.”

“I hate raspberry,” I stated.

“Exactly, dumbass.”

“Well fuck you, Jaeger,” I retorted.

He scoffed before taking a quick glance around the room. Behind my back, I childishly crossed my fingers and hoped Eren hadn’t noticed his closet door was ajar. He looked at me intensely after examining the room and I visibly tensed. “You barely did anything,” was all he said. No comment on anything else.

The rest of our time together of Eren yelling at me for forgetting something or putting a book in the wrong container and me barking right back at him. Relatively, it was pretty mild compared to some other encounters which usually ended in some kind of altercation. We matured enough to fight each other with words and restrained our fists.

During the entire time, we didn’t make contact . . . except once. It was straight out of a shitty romantic comedy, except with no romance and lack of comedy. As I was carrying a bundle of books some stacked one upon the other, towering over me, apparently albums from Eren pre-Jean, that I slipped upon his socks he so carelessly left in my path. These albums were so precious that Eren had to land right on goddamned top of me in order to protect the,. The difference between this and a rom com is that we didn’t take a second to bat an eyelash as our faces turned cherry. “The hell Jaeger!” I shoved him off me in a second and he crashed into some loose pictures nearby. He propped himself up on his elbows and stared me down very, very angrily.

“Maybe if you hadn’t been so careless, you wouldn’t have tripped!” he yelled. Fuck this. I didn’t have to deal with his attitude. It was his fault and I wasn't going to get blamed for something he did, again. We’d been working two hours, and I was going to receive my thirty dollars. Thirty dollars in my pocket and thirty out of his. Instead of replying, I stormed out the door, crushing a few pictures in my way. Eren didn’t follow this time.

I was almost to the front door when Grisha finally decided to acknowledge my presence. He stood and pushed in his chair. Trying to regain a sense of normality for his guest, he displayed a sad smile before speaking.

“Jean, I haven’t seen you in a while,” He looked up as if counting the days. “It’s been a few months, hasn’t it.”

“More like a decade,” I corrected.

“Oh . . . yes, the fight.” His voice quiet. Honestly it wasn’t much of a fight. Just abandonment.

“I should be going now.”

“Ah yes,” Grisha opened his mouth and then shut it with an audible snap. He slowly opened it up once more. “Please, Jean. I don’t want my family to fall apart anymore than it has. Take care of him while he’s gone.”

“Fine,” I lied. I couldn’t care less about Eren but I wasn’t going to hurt the old man’s feelings like Eren had. It was a white lie, but it seems that now, I’m accidentally fulfilling it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it may have taken me less than a day to update but this took so long to write. Don't expect an update soon. I sat at my computer for 11 hours and my abck hurts. i dont have teh energy to correct antytypos tight noe. nng
> 
> Feedback is always helpful.


End file.
